Balancing the Yearning for Casual Encounters While Pursuing a Meaningful Relationship
Being a gay man approaching 50, my life has involved numerous, mostly enjoyable years engaging in casual sex with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I was in a serious relationship which continued for four years, but it never fully satisfied me, because I didn't experience love or sexually nourished. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Every time I begin to date any man, once the newness fades, I always get the urge to have sex with new partners again.
Questioning the Possibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to maintain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many homosexual males have non-monogamous arrangements, but when I’ve witnessed them, they appear demanding, frequently resulting in lots of pain and jealousy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I want a partner to care for me while letting me remain sexually free, but I dread to imagine the psychological toll this might create. Should I just keep having spontaneous encounters and accept that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I’m feeling a bit lost.
Each individual's sexual journey varies. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your ability to handle different types of sexual unions as fixed. Your needs in your current state could easily shift in the future; eventually you might become more decisive and discover greater understanding and a suitable route … or not. One day you might meet a person who provides a transformative opportunity for you through mirroring your desires completely … and at another point you may choose that casual connections are best for you. Fretting over what lies ahead and playing endless speculation is merely anxiety-based and a waste of your efforts. Try to be present in your relationships, and recognize the worth of each person with whom you might have an intimate bond. When and if the time is right to strengthen true intimacy with a single person, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a American psychotherapist who specialises in addressing sexual disorders.